Becoming the Gay Man I Am--Writing my way back out of the Closet | Writing | Vancouver | Musings, Tangents, Rants

Sunday, December 21st, 2008 | Author: stinkwallet

21_12_2008 Maybe it’s the snow building up on it, but the burden the roof of this old house is carrying is comparable only to the weight that I have been carrying around with me all of these adult years. I have been building a nest of straight people around me for as long as I can remember, and only recently have I started to make my way out of it.

Perhaps it was coming out to my friends and family at such an early age, surely I was one of the first of my friends to do the deed. Perhaps it was having accepting parents, who although objected to some of my teenage actions, were as open as could be expected in Alberta over a decade ago. Or perhaps, it is strictly in my character to ensure that I come across to others exactly as the man that I see myself to be. Only thing is, this man that I see myself to be is more accurately the man that I want to be.

It’s bizarre to me still, this whole gay life and everything that seems to come along with it. I’ve never denied my sexuality to anyone, but I’ve always strove to be so undefined by it, that I’ve completely refused a community of like minded individuals. I could get more into my frustration with gay culture and all the sparkles and rainbows that seem inherently attached to it, but for now, I’m going to look on the bright side.

So if superficiality is the dark side of the gay community for me, then what my friends is the bright side?

I suppose it’s a confidence that comes with showing your true colors, it’s the side of the rainbow that I’ve never seen before now. I’ve begun to understand my own dark side, the side that’s kept me cooped up, pensively considering every action I’ve taken and the way in which the world may of viewed me for it. I’ve become fearful of a world that already judges and expects something from me no matter what colors I wear.

So, don’t get me wrong all my straight comrades. You’re are my world, always have and always will be. And, be not offended all you gays that have stood by me through thick and thin, I am not martyring myself to a world where I walk a desert completely devoid of all homosexual life. I am merely stating that there is always room for a person to take a look at the homes that their lives and built and see where there’s room for expansion. Perhaps there is always a little more room behind a wall or two, and by simply grabbing a sledge hammer and taking it to the plaster, we can find a little more space. A place where we can work on becoming the person we’ve always been and not just the masculine example of homosexuality that we never will be.